Finding Your Sexy At Midlife
A woman’s experience of sex after menopause can be very different from what it was in earlier years, for a variety of reasons. Because of this difference, women often feel that they are “not what they used to be” or that something is not “right” or normal in their bodies. Many women are worried about whether they will ever have “it” back. In fact, it is not uncommon for postmenopausal libido and sexuality to be an enhanced experience.
However, our cultural view of menopause is such that the sense of loss is paramount, so changes are often seen as negative and permanent. There are also women who are happy to “hang up their spurs,” so to speak, but feel pressure to continue to be interested in sex because it is expected of them by their partners or peers.
As with sexuality earlier in life, sexuality after menopause runs the whole gamut in terms of diversity, and the difference is not necessarily one of lack. We can adjust to new ways of being sexually just as we do to other areas of our lives as we grow and mature, and the result can be a richer, more authentic sexuality than what we had even when we were younger. Where you go with it is entirely up to you and in your control.
Several things can contribute to the sense of difference that women feel. Some are physical, such as lower levels of sex hormones or physical limitations that might restrict sex positions, or changes to vaginally tissue that make penetration less comfortable than it once was. Also, arousal time is delayed after menopause. (It generally takes about twenty minutes longer to reach full arousal.)
Other factors are more psychological or emotional, such as being in very long-term relationships where little seems new or stimulating anymore, or a belief that one is no longer attractive as one ages.
With the reproductive urge no longer driving the brain, and a new perspective of life opening up, many women choose to engage in sexual relationships of a different kind, maybe taking up more casually with a partner, or becoming sexual with women for the first time. Some women choose to engage in a period of celibacy, while they find their bearings.
If we are going to have a vibrant sexuality into our later years, it is important that we make sure it is authentic to who we are today, where we are now. It is important to tease out what is truly pleasurable for us and what we desire, as opposed to what is expected of us because of our age, or by our family or culture. So many women have never explored their own desire because they were shaped at an early age by parental or religious expectations, an immature partner, Hollywood, or porn.
Here are a couple of questions to start you off, in terms of determining what might be authentic for you now:
How do you want the experience of sex to make you feel? What do you go to sex for?
What do you deny in your sexuality? What do you want that you “shouldn’t” want?
What sexual activities would you like to experience, or fantasies would you like to explore but do not indulge in?
Begin by exploring what brings you pleasure and what you might like to bring into your life that is new. Enjoy the journey!
